Is Your Sexy Taunt Figure Heading South

It doesn't last honey! Men I advise you to turn away for this article cause the truth ain't pretty! But then again maybe you need to know the truth so you can prepare and ensure your membership at the golf course is paid in full for life when your partner/wife starts complaining.

Lets go from top to bottom!
Your beautiful lustrous hair starts thinning, more hair in your brush daily, starts to look dullish, and tends not to be as co-operative. Now trust me this sucks already for me as I always had thin hair, so frankly I'm growing my hair really long right now so when they cut it off I can make a wig of it....lol Hey ya never know whats coming now the pipeline.

Ah yes the face, its the first impression you make to the world, so if you felt ugly as a kid likelihood its gonna come back and haunt ya in your latter years as well! The nose widens more, the eyelids start to droop, the under eye bags stand out more, crows feet aren't funny anymore, and those laugh line are not funny at all. The cheeks start to collaspe when you were in your 30's and those lips are definately looking thinner my dear. Pimples? Oh yes the enemy we all dealt with as teens never really goes away, especially when your hormones are fluxing all the time after 40. So stock up on Proactiv Solution Acne Treatment. Lastly your smile! Now some folks are so frickin lucky! But many of us aren't and truth is a lot is gonna happen in your mouth as you climb over the hill of life. Ever hear that saying" You're looking a little long in the tooth these days my dear"... Its a real thing your gums will reseed, in fact nearly 95 percent of residents have tooth decay and/or gum disease. Now dental hygiene is more important than ever cause either your looking at dentures in your future or missing teeth, along with halitosis cause remember our bodies are now just decaying away. Now life is all about prevention and trying to slow down the process that we really can't control in our life.
Your eyesight will change dramatically after age 30, I had perfect sight then when I hit 30 or so, i noticed it was a little hardier to read smaller print, so like most I went out and bought reading glasses just for the computer or newspaper, I went from 1.50 range reading glasses to now 3.50 reading glasses. Seriously Im wondering if glasses actually worsen sight! Seriously God forbid they break or I cant find them cause Im just S.O.L.  Just trying to read the back of a box of rice a roni can be unbareable!
Moving along..oh wait i forgot something...also double chins are looking for a place to rest so keep your chin up! And sneaky one haired whiskers on the chin are a nightmare on a first date!

Ahhh the arms what I like to call the Oprah Arms (ya know extend arm out look in mirror and wiggle your arm and watch the sagging flab act like jello! (Sorry Oprah, love ya doll but I also hear your canceling your show next year). Onto the bustline, or should I say fun bags, cans, rack, puppies, jimmies, charlies, boobies, titties, ta-tas, headlights, bazooms, dairies, boulders, melons, zepplins! Whether large or small these mammary glands are going to FALL! Darn gravity! And if you gain weight then they will reside also under your armpits. (the test: flap your arms like a chicken...notice they dont hit your sides first?!) Another test for the gravity factor is stick a pencil under your brest if it falls you LUCKY, but if it sicks your SCREWED already and gravity's got your number!

Moving onward and downward well for some who have had children its a far worse scenario, I haven't, not for the lack of trying and I suppose my clock has basically fallen out of warranty by now! But even so you can relate because now is about the time when our taunt little ab muscles decide to unravel and flab out. Yes the old pouch, if we bared kanagroos it would be normal but no we just get to look like we have beer belly's like men, This is truly the hardest area to control in the afterlife of 30 yrs old. And the worst it gets the longer it will take to get them back into shape. But I'll hold off on that discussion for another post about fitness and dieting later. Oh and ladies get ready for when you go bathing suit shopping cause when you ask where the bikinis are most likely the clerk will direct you to the one pc section.

Now the delicate conversation women dont generally discuss with their partner freely is what I and Chelsea Handler call the peekachoo and coslopis areas. (Love ya Chelsea!) Ladies get your tools out cause there's going to be more routine mowing than usual. Nowadays most of us ladies go bare for convenience, looks, and fragrance...lol. Now depending on usage this info could go a long ways but I'll refrain for now.

The buttocks and legs, the eye chatcher for 99% men. Now I once had a perfect bubble butt, then one day I turned around and damn it fell and traveled west and east at the same time. Maybe we sit more as we age, or maybe we lose fat their and it shifts to the front lower belly but it definately isnt where it use to be. BUT men too lose their ass's as well, just ask my hubby. The famous scare of all is celloulite (whew luckily not me) which fat turns into dimples or the ugle red vein syndrome shows up. Dimples on your face is cute dimples on your thighs is horrifying. Now our legs due to hormones will eventually no longer grow hair....yeah no more shaving (at least thats what my mother in law tells me) but currently their just thicker, darker and more annoying to reach (that pouch gets in the way).

Lastly the feet, our support system. Be kind to these gentle creatures because truly they can say a lot about your health. Yes, your feet change with age they get flatter and wider. I wore size 8 most of my life then they went to a 9, 9w and sometimes due to style a 10...Good Grief! Problems can arise so beware of simple things like: Swollen ankles: It is caused by build up of fluid in the tissues. The extra fluid can lead to a rapid increase in weight over a short period of time. Painless swelling of the feet and ankles is a common problem, particularly among older people. Abnormal buildup of fluid in the ankles, feet, and legs is called peripheral edema. See detailed information below for a list of 98 causes of ankle swelling at: http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/symptoms/ankle_swelling/causes.htm including diseases and drug side effect causes, or even Diabetes, Circulatory disorders, Heart failure, and Lymphatic diseases. Our toenails say alot too so keep an eye on those too.

Well that pretty much covers the basics. Now granted their is always the alternative of plastic surgery, botox and temporary diet fixes which only the rich can afford. I will encompass those practices throughout this blog so bare with me I'm not the fastest typist in the world.

Isnt life fun......NOT! Well I have plenty of little tid bits that relate to all these wonderful adventures you have to look forward to, what they mean, and how to live with them so stay tuned in and follow my journal through the truth about getting older.

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You Know You're Getting Old When:

* Your favorite shows are now airing on Nick at Night!
* Your idol as a kid is now dead!
* You were a kid and asked what a 8 track was and now you're being laughed at when you talk about cassettes and albums!
* A 5th grader really is smarter than you, so you watch the show to prove them wrong!
* You finally make it on the show Survivor and their is a 92% chance you'll be voted off first for being the oldest!
* When you watch the Bachelor and know you're his perfect match but you're too old for the show! (I see Cougarville in my future...shhh, don't tell my husband)
* You have to scoot forward and use your arms to help yourself off the chair or couch!
* Having sex you choose to be on the bottom to look younger, oppose to having your face fall on your partner! (try it with a mirror ladies...it's frightening!)
* The slogan "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up" turns into "Help, my boobs have fallen and they wont bounce back up!"
*You've owned the same dog for 35 yrs! (snoopy 1, snoopy 2, snoopy 3, etc....)
*You've colored your hair so many times, even you don't know what color it really is!
*You get to the grocery store and realize your wearing your sleepers!
*You're out with a girlfriend and her kids shopping and you get mistaken for their grandmother!
*You go to the club and they don't want to see your I.D. card
*You have to purchase a Monday-Friday medicine pill box because you can't remember if you took your meds that day!
*Activia yogurt has become a daily regiment for you!
*Taking a daily nap is a schedule event!
*You got a part-time job and the manager is younger than you are!
*Your waiter asks if you would like to see the Senior's Menu!
*You buy your first Moo-Moo because it makes you look skinny! (plus you can be naked underneath it)
*You think the hottest actor of today is old enough to be your kid! or you could be arrested for statutory rape!
*Your dog stops following you around the house because he's even given up on where you're going!
*You have developed spelling dyslexia when you type now!
*Writing a blog is about the only way you're going to make new friends!
*You have to call your parents to check just to make sure they're still alive!
*You use chocolate as a replacement for estrogen!
*Your closet contains every era of fashion (60's, 70's, 80's, 90's etc...)!
*You know you're one day closer to death's door not the lottery!
*That whisker on your chin now has a friend!
*You finally realize you've been in a Mid-Life Crisis for the last 20 years!
*You start searching on eBay for a Tennis Ball Machine cause you can't throw the ball far enough for your dog!
*Your dog's breath is better than yours in the morning now!
*Your only hope for grandchildren is that your dog will have a litter!
*When Kathy Griffin is now on your A-List! (She's so God Damn Funny!)
*A brain fart is actually now a small aneurysm!
*Short term memory loss is your excuse now for everything you forgot to do that day!

Trust me I can think of ones all day long....LOL .....I'll add more daily as I think of them!