Ahhh...The Holi Days of Hell

That's right, if you're rich you flaunt it, if you're poor you hide it and if you're in between you carol about it. Frankly these Holidays come and go so damn fast I cant stay caught up. I swear Christmas feels like it was just 6 months ago! Christmas to me was a joyous occassion, a time of antisipation and glee, then I grew up! Turns out its no longer about the holi-est of days but a way for stores to rid old merchandise from the previous year and sell it for a higher price. Forcing people who can't figure out what to get their neighbors and end up giving them the old yule tide "FRUIT CAKE". Barf-o-matic. Fruit cake is disgusting, who do you know that actually eats this crap? Seriously was a baker short on his last bread dough, and saw some old dried up fruit on the counter and said " Oh yummy maybe somebody will buy it!" Seriously is this guy still alive cause he should be shot!

The roads are jammed, stores are packed, kids are begging, and parents are losing their hair by the minute. Your dogs rush around daze and confused cause theirs a freaking tree in the house yet their not allowed to pee on it. The house is trimmed but the lights keep shorting out and mom's in the kitchen screaming at the cat to get off the counter, and when it does their a flour path to the catbox. Such joy!

Meanwhile the postman, garbage people, and UPS who are at your house all month long either picking up or leaving packages are hoping you'll leave them a nice tip. If you dont the following month you dont recieve your mail, your garbage is scattered across the road and the UPS guy drops a few fragile packages along the way.

Oh and joy, "Aunt cant remember her name", nor does she these days has just informed you she'll be staying an extra week. Your pregnancy test is positive, your husband suddenly "CAN" remember to put the dishes in the dishwasher, and your kids are keeping their rooms clean. Now you know time is near. You sneak out the back and step in dog poop just to have a smoke and glass of sherry to hear something shatter all over your nice clean floor.

Your youngest comes out, and asks "Mommy are you okay?" You reply in kind and say yes but meanwhile your childs beaming eyes just reminded you , YOU FORGOT to pick up the Santa Suit at the costume shop. You drop the cig, throw the sherry, grab your keys and purse, flying by everyone yelling "I'll be right back" and jump in the van. You dash like prancer to and fro, wishing the lights would just go with the flo. You hear a siren from the back but rush ahead cause its nearly 9 o'clock. The shop is closed and you in despair, but the cop says "You know my brother owns this shop". With glee in your eyes and suit in hand the cop places the ticket on your van.

On your way home, a last minute thought occurs you forgot the jellied cranberry sause.
You rush into the store and grab a few cans, meanwhile theirs a burgulary in progress. You drop to the floor and slide to the register pay with your card and creep out the door. The S.W.A.T. teams screams "Hold your fire!" as you pee your pants. Wet and cold you drive home exhausted and cry from the stress. You carry all to the door, in hopes just maybe everyones gone to bed. You slowly turn the key and lo and behold your husband has invited the whole neighborhood over for cookies and hot totties. You try to smile and shake your head, when off in the distance your fire alarm goes off cause someone FORGOT THE YAMS!

Now, Its 6am and time to stuff the turkey, prepare the dinner to serve. Relatives arrive asking to help but thats a fright, you manage it all and hear the kids opening their presents, and laughter consumes the room, everyones happy and you look like roadkill but havent a clue. 3 o 'clock finally arrives, the table is set, all sit down. The setting is perfect and ready to eat. When your cat comes flying out chasing a mouse across your gorgeous dining table. Food flys, dishes break, and "OH GOOD LORD THE APPLE PIE! screams grandma who's half baked"
With your eyes the size of sausers you look at your husband and begin to laugh, cause in just 12 months you have to do it all again!

And you do all this for Christ who was born this day?
HOGWASH!

[This is just my way of saying don't forget what the true meaning of Christmas is all about and I wish everyone Happy Holidays and A Very
Merry Christmas Everyone!]

You Know You're Getting Old When:

* Your favorite shows are now airing on Nick at Night!
* Your idol as a kid is now dead!
* You were a kid and asked what a 8 track was and now you're being laughed at when you talk about cassettes and albums!
* A 5th grader really is smarter than you, so you watch the show to prove them wrong!
* You finally make it on the show Survivor and their is a 92% chance you'll be voted off first for being the oldest!
* When you watch the Bachelor and know you're his perfect match but you're too old for the show! (I see Cougarville in my future...shhh, don't tell my husband)
* You have to scoot forward and use your arms to help yourself off the chair or couch!
* Having sex you choose to be on the bottom to look younger, oppose to having your face fall on your partner! (try it with a mirror ladies...it's frightening!)
* The slogan "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up" turns into "Help, my boobs have fallen and they wont bounce back up!"
*You've owned the same dog for 35 yrs! (snoopy 1, snoopy 2, snoopy 3, etc....)
*You've colored your hair so many times, even you don't know what color it really is!
*You get to the grocery store and realize your wearing your sleepers!
*You're out with a girlfriend and her kids shopping and you get mistaken for their grandmother!
*You go to the club and they don't want to see your I.D. card
*You have to purchase a Monday-Friday medicine pill box because you can't remember if you took your meds that day!
*Activia yogurt has become a daily regiment for you!
*Taking a daily nap is a schedule event!
*You got a part-time job and the manager is younger than you are!
*Your waiter asks if you would like to see the Senior's Menu!
*You buy your first Moo-Moo because it makes you look skinny! (plus you can be naked underneath it)
*You think the hottest actor of today is old enough to be your kid! or you could be arrested for statutory rape!
*Your dog stops following you around the house because he's even given up on where you're going!
*You have developed spelling dyslexia when you type now!
*Writing a blog is about the only way you're going to make new friends!
*You have to call your parents to check just to make sure they're still alive!
*You use chocolate as a replacement for estrogen!
*Your closet contains every era of fashion (60's, 70's, 80's, 90's etc...)!
*You know you're one day closer to death's door not the lottery!
*That whisker on your chin now has a friend!
*You finally realize you've been in a Mid-Life Crisis for the last 20 years!
*You start searching on eBay for a Tennis Ball Machine cause you can't throw the ball far enough for your dog!
*Your dog's breath is better than yours in the morning now!
*Your only hope for grandchildren is that your dog will have a litter!
*When Kathy Griffin is now on your A-List! (She's so God Damn Funny!)
*A brain fart is actually now a small aneurysm!
*Short term memory loss is your excuse now for everything you forgot to do that day!

Trust me I can think of ones all day long....LOL .....I'll add more daily as I think of them!